Content used for illustrative purposes only; subjects are models.
Use of language is highly specific to context. In the realm of adoption, professionals and birthmothers alike seem to have a particular preference when referring to the act of adoption, describing it as a “placement.”
Being new to the adoption world, I have struggled to use “correct” terminology out of ignorance, not insensitivity. I am still learning what kinds of questions and conversation topics are on the table when sitting with another birthmother.
Perhaps you have noticed that I use different terminology when I refer to my adoption. Referring to my own adoption by saying “I placed my child for adoption” seems, to me, to gloss over reality a bit. So I often choose instead to say, “I gave my baby for adoption.”
After all, didn’t I “give up” my legal rights as his mother? Haven’t I “given” another family a “gift?” Would I not admit that I “gave” a piece of myself away so he could have a better life away from me?
To say that I “placed” my child is also accurate, however. I physically “placed” him into the arms of another woman. I “placed” him legally in a home with a family I chose.
But to say that I “gave” him away paints a much clearer picture in my mind. The phrase reminds me of one of the most repeated verses in the Bible:
“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son…” John 3:16. [emphasis added]
I have also given my only son, but not for so noble a cause as God. He gave His Son for the benefit of others, while I have given my son for his own and my benefit.
This is a fundamental difference, but the cost of the action is similar. By His giving, God lost a degree of closeness with Jesus, adding distance and a human element into their relationship. He gave Jesus as a son to an earthly couple, forfeiting His direct parenthood.
As birthmothers, we have lost the most fundamental closeness between baby and mother. To our own detriment, we forfeited that sacred relationship between our child and ourselves as his or her mother. We handed over our opportunity to directly parent our child.
I respect the use of “placed,” because either term is correct and merely a matter of opinion. I say I “gave up” my baby for adoption because I thought it was best for everyone involved. But I can also say I “placed” him in a home where I felt confident he would be loved, cared for, treasured and happy.
I always try to be sensitive and refer to someone else’s adoption as a “placement.” My preference has a harsher tone, and some may misinterpret it as “I gave up on my son.” But nothing is further from the truth. He has not been abandoned, neither by my actions nor my heart. My opinion on language will never change that.
What is your preferred phraseology? Why do you use it? How does it make you feel when someone refers to your adoption with a different term than what you prefer? What do you feel like you have sacrificed by “giving” or “placing” your child for adoption? Share your thoughts by commenting below.
It’s interesting how specific words give another meaning to the adoption process. It’s also sad people would take “I gave my son up for adoption” to mean “I gave up on my son.” To me nothing is further from the truth. Giving up on someone is giving up hope, but when placing a child up for adoption you are not only giving the gift of a child, but you’re including hope with that placement.
Miss Emily – I believe you “gave your son up” so he would have a better spot in life. And you gave another family a chance of a “family ” that they otherwise would not be able to have. I do not believe ANY mom “gives up on their child” when the beauty is placed in an adoptive home. So both words apply.
Emily, I never thought about the difference between these two terms. But I can see that both are correct and why you choose “gave.” It was a wonderful gift you gave to all involved. Thanks so much for the education. Cheers, xoA
I adopted my niece. My sister (her mother) thought that if she said she gave them up…it would mean she gave up on her children. Especially because some were not babies. However, she gave them up and it was for their own good. Adoption is hard and giving a child to someone else must be a hard decision.
I just read your story and now this blog post. You are so brave and write from a heart-centered place. Thank you for sharing your story – I believe it will help others.