Author’s note: This is the first in a two-part series on finding peace. The conclusion will be published next week.
Two weeks ago, a large wildfire raged about 60 miles north of where I live. The fire began on the outskirts of the little town of Lake Isabella and spread quickly. Officials ordered evacuations as the fire swept east, closing roadways, consuming homes and billowing thick smoke that traveled to nearby cities, spreading fear of its devastation.
By the time the Erskine Fire was contained, 285 homes were destroyed, 12 were damaged, 75 square miles had burned and two people died. Photographs and videos by local news stations show residents finding only ashes where their homes once stood.
The crisis is over, but the wreckage is overpowering. Survivors must deal with the aftermath and somehow move on to find stability, safety and peace.
I think a birthmother’s emotional journey is similar to the plight of disaster victims. In many ways, pregnancy, delivery and subsequent placement are times of crisis. Birthmothers often choose adoption because they feel unprepared to parent. Having a baby on the way throws everything in life that once was predictable into a state of uncertainty.
Once the baby is with the adoptive family and the birthmother has terminated her rights, the crisis is essentially over. The hard work of finding peace begins.
Amidst my search for peace, I realized I started with some unrealistic expectations for what peace could be or would look like. I recently asked a few people about the subject because I wanted to know what can be considered “peace” for a birthmother.
I consulted Sandra Cantrell, a licensed marriage and family therapist and pregnancy counselor for an adoption agency. She has worked with birth parents for 3 and a half years and her own struggles with grief include the loss of her husband of more than 33 years in 2007, and the death of her infant son in 1984.
“I thought finding peace would be like arriving at the station,” Cantrell said. “But it’s not.”
Just as grief is an eternal, fluid process, so, too, is peace. To me, peace is more than a feeling; in some ways, it’s not an emotion at all. Peace is partly a decision, partly a state of mind and wholly a journey. Despite how difficult peace is to achieve and hang on to, it is easier to sit in than turmoil; after chaos, things tend to want to settle into an equilibrium.
“As I think about the birth parents I have worked with, there are definitely variances in the manner and degrees of their coping,” Cantrell said. “Of course, the passing of time accounts for some variance in ‘peace’ experienced by each person. But time passage alone does not automatically bring about healing and peace to a birth parents’ heart.”
In their book “The Third Choice: A Woman’s Guide to Placing a Child for Adoption,” Leslie Foge and Gail Mosconi cite acceptance as a precursor to healing and peace. Cantrell said she can see the connection between the three in her own work.
“The birth parents with whom I have worked report experiences similar to other parents who deal with loss,” she said. “They wrestle with guilt, shame, regret and often rail against circumstances that they cannot change. Acceptance of the circumstances may seem impossible and very counter-intuitive. To accept the situation may feel like giving up or copping out. In an effort to communicate the depth of their love and devotion to their children, it seems ridiculous to accept their circumstances.”
With all of the “mother shame” in our culture, acceptance of my decision to place feels to me like an abdication of my parental responsibility. But as Cantrell and other experts point out, acceptance fosters healing and peace.
“Acceptance is a spiritual concept that has been shown to bring freedom and relief to those who grieve in many areas, including addiction,” Cantrell said.
Many recovery programs use the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage the change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” In these programs, participants are encouraged to direct the prayer to their personal Higher Power.
Cantrell observed that “serenity” and “peace” are synonyms.
“I think accepting the things we cannot change is a key factor in experiencing peace,” she said.
The subject of peace is vast and this blog post has only scratched the surface. Next week I will share tips on acceptance and how fellow birthmothers describe peace.
Emily, in my personal journey in recovery from addiction, I have found that acceptance is the key. And, I have found that I needed to acknowledge a lot of things that were not related to my “crisis”. Delving deep into ourselves for answers is very hard to do and , at times, very, very painful but in the end very rewarding. My happiness and peace of mind relies on my acceptance, on a daily basis, of all things being just as they should be. As Eckhart Tolle says in his book, “Stillness Speaks”, “Whatever is, could not be otherwise”
I can honestly say that I am experiencing peace now after years of searching for it. God bless you in your journey.
Peace is certainly a journey and not a destination.