Everyone needs to make big decisions at some point, like what to do after high school, when and who to marry, where to live, and so on. One of my most significant decisions was whether to choose adoption for Dominic.
As with any choice, unknowns swarmed my decision-making vision. Research quickly changed my view of adoption from a faint idea to a more concrete understanding of the options, process and laws. Before I chose an adoption agency, I scoured the internet looking for answers and exchanged emails and phone calls with adoption professionals from various agencies in different states.
One of the reasons I chose the agency that eventually handled my adoption was because my social worker/pregnancy counselor was so helpful, patient and forthcoming. She left no stone unturned. She walked through everything with me, and when she didn’t know an answer to my question, she found out and told me. She provided me with all of the legal paperwork ahead of time, gave me a book on birthmother grief to read, and even in the hospital was reiterating that I didn’t have to go through with the adoption. I cannot say enough good things about her and how thankful I am that she did an upstanding job. Unlike some adoption social workers with which other birthmothers have dealt, she was there for me through the adoption process to represent and protect my interests and she continues to support me more than a year later.
Even though I asked a thousand questions and worked with a social worker and an agency who bent over backwards to guide me in the most pressure-free environment possible, I did not think to ask everything. Nor could I have gotten an answer to all my questions, since so many of the unknowns in adoption revolve around the inability to predict the future.
Here are five things I’ve learned since placement that I wish I had been better prepared for ahead of time.
1. “Non-profit” does not necessarily mean “money-free.”
The adoption agency I chose is non-profit, as opposed to for-profit. These are terms concocted by the IRS for tax purposes. For some reason, I interpreted “non-profit organization” as “money-free.” I thought that because I did not have to pay for their services, neither did adopting parents. My un-researched conclusion was that the agency operated solely on donations.
A frank conversation with an adopting parent revealed how expensive it is to adopt a baby through a private agency. From what I understand, at my chosen adoption agency, most of the money is applied to court and legal fees, with some portion being used to cover social worker salaries, birthmother expenses (which are not tailored to individual cases, but rather collected and distributed like insurance money) and other miscellaneous items.
Post-placement was also when I learned how touchy the subject of money is among adoption community members. Even after some preliminary research, I do not have the most informed opinion or comprehension of the role of money in the adoption industry. (should the word “industry” even be applicable?) This subject is deserving of further exploration, but for now, my point is: I didn’t know.
2. Birthmothers are not always treated fairly.
So many of my birthmother sisters are living in heartbreaking stories of betrayal, deception, manipulation, shame, judgement, antiquated thinking and lack of empathy. Often these women were promised one thing at placement and given another once the adoption was finalized. Sometimes, these women tried to change their minds before the adoption was completed, and were talked out of it by family members or adoption agency workers. Often in these cases, new mothers or soon-to-be mothers who are considering placement are told flat-out lies.
My first exposure to this type of unethical and unfair treatment was at my first birthmother retreat last fall. I think even if I knew pre-placement about these situations, I may not have been able to do anything to avoid falling into the trap; in so many ways, I feel like I just got lucky. I “got lucky” because the family I chose is honest, loving and empathetic, while my social worker and agency are straightforward and practice integrity. If any of these parties had been lying about their genuineness, I don’t know that I would have seen it. And if I had constantly suspected everyone to the point of belligerent paranoia, I may have permanently scarred my relationship with Robby and Marie — the strangers who turned out to be good people.
3. The “balance of power” radically shifts after placement.
Although this truth is a no-brainer, I missed it. But I felt it as soon as Robby and Marie left the hospital with Dominic. In the following days, I wondered if my importance had ended. Cynically, I thought, the “baby exchange” is complete; what role could I play now?
The emptying of Dominic from my body cost me not only his presence, but my direct influence on his life. I was not prepared for this.
4. I would spend my son’s babyhood waiting to find out if he loves me, too.
Infants learn to communicate as they age. Naturally, babies develop a fondness for their caregivers. As Dominic plunges into his toddler stage, his ability to communicate is growing exponentially. I witnessed first-hand how his preference for people shifted from “no one in particular” to mom and dad. This hurt my feelings because I want him to love me, too. I hate that he doesn’t understand who I am, that he can’t differentiate me from a friendly stranger.
I hope that once he is old enough to comprehend my role, he will love me, too. But I didn’t anticipate the wait.
5. Even birthmothers invoke “mother shame” onto one another.
I define “mother shame” as the phenomenon that occurs when a woman displaces her own insecurities about motherhood onto another woman. As a birthmother, I expect to be shamed for my decision to place — but not to be shamed for it by fellow birthmothers. I was shocked when another birthmother attacked me for my choice. I thought we were all in the same boat! But I think that sometimes the pain and grief can be so much to bear that it becomes easy to heap those vehement feelings onto someone else.
While I hope that no mother is ever held to the unrealistic standards of a nosy on-looker, I especially hope birthmothers can avoid doing this to one another.
No doubt I will learn more about what I wish I’d known before I chose adoption. As each revelation comes, I find myself re-evaluating my choice. What most gives me pause is my knowledge of how the past year has evolved and how much I wish I had a crystal ball when I was pregnant. But no question, answer or any amount of research would have given me that revelation. So I continue to reassure myself with the knowledge that I did the best I could with the information I had at the time.
Were any of my five things new information to you? Birthmothers, what do you wish you’d known before placement? Leave a reply in the comment box below; please also read the comment policy.
