Model portrayed.
This year was my first Mother’s Day as a birthmother. As the holiday neared, I found myself re-evaluating my identity as a birthmother. Dominic’s first birthday is also this month, which is causing me to brood a bit on the past year’s events.
In my first blog post, I was optimistic about my birthmother identity, but I am becoming more cynical. Truthfully, I am replaying society’s idea of a birthmother in my mind. To them, I am just a woman who was unable to parent my own child.
This “inability” feels personal, like a reflection on my motherhood. I’ve also previously discussed motherhood in a semi-optimistic context. Carrying the weight of this month’s events, I am not so idealistic.
I’m struggling to balance my opinion of my birth motherhood with reality, so I’m pulling on everything I’ve read, written and learned.
Donald Miller is one of my favorite authors partly because he tactfully explores his life experiences and lessons — he’s kind of my writer hero. In his most recent book, “Scary Close,” Miller divulges the inner-workings of his romantic pursuits, how he changed his view of those relationships, and met and married his wife at the age of 42.
After many failed relationships in which Miller developed a co-dependency on whoever he was dating, he finally got engaged to a girl. But they were always fighting. So one of his friends, Bob Goff, gently suggested to Miller that he break it off. Miller saw his friend’s point, and ended the engagement. He sunk into numbness and depression, while Goff continued to offer support and friendship.
Then Goff said something Miller never expected: “You’re good at relationships, Don.”
Goff gave examples of when Miller succeeded at relationships with friends and strangers to whom he was ministering. Goff said, “We can’t let our failures define us, Don. You’re good at relationships, and you’re only getting better.” [excerpted, pgs. 12-13]
Goff’s observations melted through Miller’s numbness.
Miller had absorbed his failed relationships into his identity. He overlooked his good relational skills and focused on his shortcomings to the point that he subconsciously identified himself as “bad at relationships.”
Another resource of which I’m reminding myself is “The Feeling Good Handbook” by Dr. David Burns. The author and psychiatrist identifies 10 harmful thought patterns; he dubbed them “stinkin’ thinkin’.” I believe absorbing an identity that is not necessarily true is a form of what Burns calls “labeling.” He gives this definition:
Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying ‘I made a mistake,’ you attach a negative label to yourself: ‘I’m a loser.’…Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do. Human beings exist, but ‘fools,’ ‘losers,’ and ‘jerks’ do not. These labels are just useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration and low self-esteem.”
Miller implies that he had labeled himself “bad at relationships.” When I buy into society’s definition of a birthmother, I label myself “unfit to parent.” These labels result in the propulsion of negative cycles: “I’m bad at relationships, so all my relationships will fail,” or “I gave my first child to another family, so I will never be able to parent.”
Absorbing failures or what someone tells me into my identity is tempting, but is a path to unhealthiness. It does not consult with a more objective reality. The truth is that when Dominic was born, I was not in the best position to care for him. I was afraid his birthfather would come knocking, making good on his threats to ruin or harm me. I was also afraid my bipolar disorder would negatively affect Dominic’s daily care, since I did not know how it would evolve after my first manic episode. I was afraid of many other things, too.
But just because I felt that I could not give Dominic the home he deserved does not mean I can never give that to a child. I regret so much that I got pregnant when I was not in a good place physically, mentally and emotionally; but I love Dominic enough that I chose to put him in a home that was more stable than I feared mine could be at the time.
On Miller’s wedding day, Goff repeated to his friend, “Don, you’re good at relationships.”
Sometimes I need to remind myself of something similar: I’m a good mother. I’ve decided once again not to buy into society’s monolithic definition of motherhood.
Another great blog, Emily. I would like to suggest a book for you, STILLNESS SPEAKS by Eckhart Tolleson. Have a great week!
Bravo! For you and for all the birthmothers who have made this conscious decision to see to their child’s best interests. xoA
Thank you for these and all your kind words, Annis.
It is so hard to not let our failures define us and so easy to give in to that type of destructive thinking. Thank you for sharing your thoughts–I admire your insight and perseverance and it helps me along my life journey. I have no doubt that should you and Neil choose to parent a child, you will be awesome.
Thank you.
Whether a disgruntled ex-wife, spiteful baby momma or an all-for-self girlfriend, I can’t stand any woman who comes in the way of a father trying to establish a solid and much-needed relationship with his children. My disdain is so intense, that you’d think I was the victim of a fatherless childhood due to some maniac of a woman. I’ve still seen it though, thanks to internships required by my social work major. The fact that someone could be so cruel and selfish that she’d intentionally try to create a void in the heart of a man and his child both angers and saddens me. Absent fathers is an all-too-familiar social epidemic in our country, without the help of women prying them away from their children
Three things to be said about women who try to keep men away from their children are…
1) They can’t be trusted
A woman (who is said to be more nurturing by nature), whose heart will allow her to hinder a father from being in his child’s life is not trustworthy, in any regard. She’s all for self and doesn’t mind playing dirty, no matter how much it damages and pains someone else—even if that someone else is an innocent child.
I’ve always been one to not only observe how my friends treat me, but also how they treat others. Even if she seems like your bestie and the most loyal ride or die ever, it’s only a matter of time before you too will probably fall victim to her selfish ways. People like this are often nice as long as everything is working in their favor, but the minute things take a left turn and they think their own desires are in jeopardy, they have no problem transforming into the most heartless versions of themselves and betraying whoever is blocking them from what they want. If you choose to befriend such a woman, prepare to live a life walking on egg shells in hopes of staying on her good side.
2) Their Love Has A Limit
As much as a bitter ex may claim to love her children, or selfish girlfriend may claim to love her man, that love is very restricted and operates on a conditional basis if she tries to break a father-child relationship. When you truly love someone, you want nothing more than for that person to be the best they can be, and you accept them along with everything they come with.As a wife or girlfriend, how can you really love a man if you won’t allow him to take care of his parental responsibilities, which in turn make him a better person? Furthermore, how can you love him if you don’t love all of him—including his children, which are an extension of who he is? As a mother, how can you love your children unconditionally if you can’t put their need of a father in front of your personal hangups? True love is selfless and unconditional, and it when it really exists, the heart does what’s right no matter how hard it is.
3) They’re apart of the Bigger Problem
Approximately 24 million American children live in biological father-absent homes, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. In the larger scheme of things, children without fathers are more likely to experience a variety of social disadvantages. For example, “youths in father-absent households still had significantly higher odds of incarceration than those in mother-father families” and girls without active fathers are at greater risk for teen pregnancy, according toFatherhood.org. Keeping a man away from his children and vice versa not only causes damage on a micro level, but it also transcends to a societal level and creates issues, from poverty to crime, that everyone is left to deal with.
I understand your point, Brenda, but I think that is a harsh judgement. When the father is a responsible adult who does not endanger the safety and well-being of his children or their mother, it can certainly be good for him to have a relationship with them, and possibly selfish and unfair for the mother to block such a relationship. However, if the father is abusive, violent, unstable, etc., I believe it is the mother’s duty to protect her children from such a person, even if he is their father. It is a sad situation. Thanks for your comment.