Communication is the glue of relationships. It trumps proximity, commonality, and even time, in keeping people together. Without effective communication, a relationship cannot be established or move forward.
In open adoption relationships, communication between the adoptive family and the birth family is what keeps the adoption open. The families are tied by the child, but those ties are strengthened and maintained by communication.
Healthy adult relationships demand not just communication, but communication between equally balanced parties. “Give and take” is on both sides.
Unfortunately, this is not always the case in an adoption relationship.
After I relinquished my rights, I felt empty not just because Dominic was no longer with me. I also felt empty from powerlessness.
I will never forget the way my social worker explained this phenomenon to me.
“After placement, the balance of power shifts,” she said, holding her hands in the air like a scale. My baby represented the weight that now tips the scales in Robby and Marie’s direction.
I was hurt by my social worker’s explanation. The truth hit like a sucker punch to my gut.
After a woman places her baby with another family, she is at the family’s mercy as to whether she will have a relationship with her child.
Open adoption agreements are created to try to protect the birthmother’s interest in maintaining contact with her child. The agreements outline the type and frequency of contact, ranging from the periodic exchange of photos and letters, to occasional in-person visits. Although these agreements are black and white, areas of gray often emerge.
Some birthmothers have told me that the adoptive parents are often reluctant to schedule visits, or are very limiting in what a visit entails. Some adoptive parents will not leave the birthmother alone with the child, may not invite the birthmother into their home, or may allow only a few hours a couple times a year for visits.
Women in these types of open adoptions often tell me they wish for more, but are afraid to ask. They are forced to weigh the risk of losing what they have with asking for more of what they want.
Sometimes birthmothers visit more often or receive more pictures than what the agreement states. But if she feels unable to deeply connect with their child during the visits, she may wish for a change.
All of the reading I’ve done on interpersonal relationships tells me that openness is the key. I’ve touched on openness in other blog posts on authenticity, vulnerability and boundaries. Open communication is often presented as the universal solution to all relationship problems.
But I am not convinced that being open is the best solution in these birthmothers’ situations because it may cost her any form of relationship with her child. I cannot judge, nor do I wish to preach to any birthmother who sets aside her desire for a relationship change to avoid the possibility of losing all contact. I do not know what I would do in her shoes; open communication with Robby and Marie has never been a problem in my adoption.
But I do think openness is a good place to start in these difficult circumstances. The approach to better communication will vary, but ultimately, the goal is to achieve a more satisfying balance in the relationship. This can only be done if a birthmother in one of these precarious situations decides to risk what she has to gain what she wants. And only she can determine if it’s worth it.
In your daily relationships, do you find openness to be helpful? Birthmothers, when have you found openness to be beneficial? Or harmful? Share your thoughts in the comment box below. Read our comment policy here.
I’ve seen both, closed and open adoptions. I’ve also watched an open adoption be exceptional and another be harmful to the other children in the family. This family has three adopted children, all from different birthmothers. The youngest has an open adoption and the other children are now old enough to understand the “special” treatment. It’s had such an unfortunate impact on those two children. The “very open” adoption is now much more closed (like you said there’s a lot of gray area). My heart goes out to this birthmother. My heart also aches for the adoptive parents who are trying to emotionally support all three of their children. Adoption (like parenting) can be tough. It’s not for the faint of heart–I love this blog. I love how every situation is highlighted. It’s a welcome atmosphere and invites conversation instead of judgement.
You know……it’s interesting that the fact that the power shift was explained to you only AFTER you had lost it.
I, being in a ‘no revocation’ state (meaning as soon as my pen left that paper, my son was gone forever, unless of course, I had thousands of dollars to prove the duress that is documented in black and white in my hospital records), felt the power shift and even spoke of it while sitting in my hospital bed.
I, was completely open, so much so that my regret became very apparent and I was helping mothers keep their babies, so they didn’t have to suffer like I and my family was, and still are. They cancelled a long planned visit which crushed my then 8 year old. They then closed the adoption, because of my openness, and as the agency worker said ‘negative comments’, which were my truths, and my grief and regret.
So, I guess you could say, I was not going to be silenced in order to have the potential chance of a visit with our son/brother/nephew/grandson. Every baby I am able to keep with his/her mother is dedicated to and documented all in the honor of my son.
One day, I hope that he will understand, that I could not sit quietly and hope for something that may possibly never happen.
The devastation caused to my kept child, and family can never be undone, and I refuse to allow that kind of control be held over my family’s head.
I had to take back the control of my life.
Openness is definitely a key to making relationships successful. Whether it is between a birth mother and an adoptive parent, or between two friends, or two partners in marriage, the ability to feel comfortable asking for things and talking to one another is key to lifelong friendships, marriages, etc. I am blessed to have relationships like that, but I know many of my friends are not able to have that, whether it with their spouses or parents. I hope that reading your article will help people like that to either a) improve those relationships or b) break from unhealthy relationships. Thank you for sharing.