Model portrayal.
When we perceive a threat, our natural reaction is to defend ourselves with our fight, flight or freeze response system. Sometimes a perceived threat is not a true threat.
Xenophobia is defined as “an unreasonable fear or hatred of…that which is foreign or strange.”
Foreign ideas or differing lifestyles may cause us to feel defensive. But these differences are likely not true threats.
I have begun to notice how hotly emotions run among the adoption community. Some in the community are very passionate about adoption reform, awareness, advocacy, etc., and use this passion to accomplish a goal. Others in the community, however, are passionate about the same issues, but direct their strong emotions at the wrong targets.
In some ways, I think this misappropriation of emotion can be tied to xenophobia. When an idea is strange, foreign, or otherwise perceived as threatening, it can be easy to develop an irrational fear or hatred toward not only the idea, but the one who holds that idea. I think it can be very easy to fall from a defense of our beliefs, to an assault on the beliefs of others.
Empathy walks the fine line between proclaiming our truth and running a smear campaign. It is the cure for xenophobia.
In “I Thought It Was Just Me,” Brené Brown gives this definition: [pg 33]
[Empathy is] the skill or ability to tap into our own experiences in order to connect with an experience someone is relating to us….I believe that empathy is best understood as a skill because being empathic, or having the capacity to show empathy, is not a quality that is innate or intuitive. We might be naturally sensitive to others, but there is more to empathy than sensitivity.”
Like Brown said, empathy is not innate, but is a skill that must be cultivated. When something as unnatural as adoption occurs, strong emotions prevail, making it easy to fall back on our intuitive fight, flight, freeze nature.
In another of her books, “The Gifts of Imperfection,” Brown explores a lifestyle she termed “Wholehearted living.” She states that a person who lives wholeheartedly is one who engages in his or her life with courage, compassion and connection, from a place of self-worthiness. She writes: [pg 21]
The Wholehearted journey is not the path of least resistance. It’s a path of consciousness and choice. And, to be honest, it’s a little counter-culture. The willingness to tell our stories, feel the pain of others, and stay genuinely connected in this disconnected world is not something we can do halfheartedly.”
Practicing empathy is part of the Wholehearted journey Brown describes in her book. As she noted, it must be a conscious choice. Extending empathy to someone with whom we disagree, and of whose views we are afraid, is the only way to be genuinely connected.
As birthmothers, I think it is important we show compassion and empathy to each other. We all made the same decision; we all signed the same papers; we all lost a child or children. Everything else about our situations may be different, but these things will always tie us together. Remembering this will dispel our xenophobia and replace it with empathy.
Do you think it is accurate to describe some adoption fears as xenophobic? Where do you think this intolerance is most prevalent? Share you thoughts in the comment box below. Read our comment policy here.
I am not so sure that adoption is an unnatural process. It is counter-culture for sure, at least in the United States. If we look at the shape of family historically and cross-culturally, perhaps is adoption is simply a new word for deeply rooted practices of many cultures over many years. Today we say “It takes a village”. Isn’t that what adoption is? People helping people.
Anke, thanks for your comment. The reason I say adoption is “unnatural” is because it entails a biological mother to give up her natural role as a parent. This is unnatural to me because women who bear children are automatically put in that parenting position, but if they choose to place their child, they are going against the grain of the natural process of childbearing. (if that makes sense) While I agree that “it takes a village” to raise the next generation, the unnatural process of adoption to which I was referring is that of a mother, who is by the birth of the child the primary caregiver, who forfeits her role. Hopefully you understand what I’m trying to say…
I wish so many people could read this blog. So many people could benefit. Thanks for the read.