Tunnel Vision

Writing this blog requires a lot of introspection. Self-evaluation of my thoughts, feelings and actions is constant. I want to put out insightful material, and that requires me to dig deeply to identify my core issues as a birthmother.

I am beginning to wonder, though, whether I have recently become too honed-in on myself. Am I portraying the life of a birthmother as purely woeful? Do I dwell so much on my own problems that I neglect to see what others may be struggling with? Are my views too narrow? Do I forget to acknowledge the other people in the adoption triad and paint birthmothers as the only ones experiencing loss?

I feel like I have developed tunnel vision. I think maybe my efforts to cultivate a focused blog have left me blind to other possibilities around me.

Adoptive parents struggle, too. Adoptees struggle. Family members and friends of both the birth and adoptive parents struggle. Adoption professionals, and even strangers and society as a whole, struggle.

I never mean to imply that birthmothers and I are the only ones who struggle.

Something I most treasure about my relationship with Marie is that we share our struggles with each other. I don’t share everything — and I don’t think she does, either. But in the few months that we’ve been developing our relationship, we have made it clear that sharing our struggles is safe to do with each other.

Before publishing “Why I Wait in the Wings,” I shared the post with Marie. I had never expressed my feelings of jealousy to her. When we talked, she was so gracious and compassionate. She has never uttered a word of condemnation to me.

I have asked her before about her struggles and fears toward our adoption. She talks openly with me about them, and I always gain a better understanding of her and her situation when she does.

But with this blog, I feel like I have become too focused on myself and what I hear birthmothers saying. When I talk with birthmothers, I know I am only getting one side of the story. Insightful birthmothers are able to explain the adoptive parents’ perspectives when discussing an issue. Often, though, I hear only the birthmother’s side.

Don’t misunderstand: there’s nothing wrong with venting. A birthmother-only environment is the best place to be understood and validated and I strongly recommend joining a community of birthmothers for that very reason.

But to move through that anger, fear, frustration, regret, jealousy, I think it’s necessary to walk out of the tunnel and look around. Ask, for example, why did the adoptive mom send contradicting text messages? What could she be feeling or thinking that would lead her to such inconsistent behavior? How can I show compassion to her, even though I am hurt and angry?

Since Dominic is less than a year old, I especially forget to consider how he might struggle. This will become more of an issue for me as he matures, but in my current position, I tend to overlook what birthmothers with older children may be experiencing. It is a world to which I am an alien.

As a teenager, I read Sean Covey’s “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens.” One lesson that has stuck with me is the difference between reactivity and proactivity. A reactive person believes life happens to them and they therefore have no control over their own lives, while a proactive person believes they have influence over their lives, and they focus on what can be controlled.

Believing that my birthmotherhood is something that just happened to me is an easy pitfall. When I am in that mindset, I find myself reacting to whatever doesn’t go my way, instead of proactively evaluating the situation. I walk into a tunnel.

This is where I have been lately. But I’m striving to leave the tunnel behind.

Thank you, readers, for sharing your perspectives in various comments. Although this blog is dedicated to and focused on birthmothers, I do think it’s important for us birthmothers to spend time looking at other sides. I will be trying to do that more.

 

Where in your life do you find yourself developing tunnel vision? What helps you move through the tunnel into a greater awareness? Share your thoughts in the comment box below.