Subject portrayed is a model.
When writing, I sometimes use clichés because I’m lazy. I opt to be un-creative.
Yet I want to be a better writer, one who doesn’t use clichés. Pondering this dilemma, I realized the only way for me to truly get better was to quit being bad — to quit giving myself a free pass to use whatever cliché comes to mind first, and to start pushing myself to think of something better.
When I apply this principle to my life as a birthmother, I realize it is a more universal truth. I became a birthmother not because I set out to be, but because I made bad choices and choosing adoption for my baby was my best option as a result of those choices.
It would have been easy for me to continue making bad choices in order to keep my baby. But I wanted to be better, and I wanted better for my baby. So I had to quit being bad.
Bad choices do not automatically equal a bad person, just like good choices don’t amount entirely to a good person. I say I had to quit being bad because I knew better, but made bad choices anyway. Just like choosing to use clichés and being a less-than-stellar writer, I made bad choices and was lesser for it.
Surrendering the bad to cling to the good is necessary in any case of betterment-seeking. Out with the old, in with the new. Garbage in, garbage out. Quit cold turkey. Clean house!
Did I use enough clichés for you to get the picture?
Upon learning I was pregnant, I knew it was time to let go — time to end my toxic relationship with the birthfather, to try desperately to make amends to my husband, to change my approach to my life and stop letting myself off the hook for repeating my mistakes.
Releasing the bad was freeing, but more than anything, it was HARD. Correcting my mistakes was an attempt I almost couldn’t complete. My bad choices had driven me to the brink of utter destruction: financial ruin, loss of trust by friends and family, a nuked marriage, and near homelessness.
Being better meant I had to stop seeing, communicating with, and thinking of the birthfather. I had to find healthcare. I had to tell the truth to my parents, my siblings, and — scariest of all — my husband.
To stop living in hell, I had to start walking toward heaven, and I had to leave behind everything hell offered.
Sometimes I still think about that hell. In snapshot moments, I find myself wishing I had continued making bad choices, just so I could be the one holding my baby. For the tiniest of seconds, I remember the pleasures my bad choices brought, and I wish to escape where I am now and live in those fleeting amusements instead.
When this happens, only a quick reality check is needed. The “highlights” of the bad are quickly dulled by the facts: my life is better now than it ever was then. Awaking every morning next to my husband of 5 years, I only need to look in his eyes before my frivolous wishes for hell disappear.
So I choose, every time, to put the bad — all of it — behind me.
From reading about birthmothers and personally hearing their stories, I know many struggle to move on with their lives after completing their adoption. I can’t pretend to know what each birthmother faces. But I know for me, living life after giving my baby to another family means letting go of the bad.
Letting it go, so I can reach for to a better future.
Meanwhile, I will face the music and ditch the clichés.
What bad choices have you made that you find yourself repeating? If you have gotten yourself out of a bad situation by making better but hard choices, do you ever wish you had stayed in that situation to gain something? Share your thoughts in the comment box below.
I really enjoyed this post. I, like you and everyone else, have made bad choices in my life and this post is a good reminder of the hope and forgiveness available to us. 🙂
Wow. I am blown away with your insight and honesty…. again. I find it interesting that I was thinking along these lines this morning on a much smaller scale, yet the concept is the same. I was thinking about my second graders and how they have difficulty admitting when they make a mistake. One student just keeps guessing until he thinks my face or expression tells him he is right. But I am especially concerned about “Jay” who just shuts down any time he realizes he has made an error. I was trying to think this morning of a way to break through to him and help him realize that it is not the mistakes that matter, but what we do when we realize we have made them. The important thing is to examine our mistakes, learn from them and put them aside. I think it is one of the most difficult lessons to learn. Thank you for taking us through your journey of learning from your mistake. It gives us courage to follow suit.
Where to start… Well thank you so much for your candor .. It’s only when we can be honest with ourselves and others that the healing will begin. How often too we do the right thing to fix the wrong that we’ve done, only to return to the wrong behaviors again. And round and round we go… Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and strength with us.
I think we can all push ourselves to be better. Thanks for the reminder.
This was beautiful. My favorite part “Bad choices do not automatically equal a bad person, just like good choices don’t amount entirely to a good person.”
Beautifully written and honest. Every person has made bad choices that have had an impact on their lives. It takes courage to own up to it and do something about it.
A favorite line: “To stop living in hell, I had to start walking toward heaven, and I had to leave behind everything hell offered.” Though we all know that getting out of hell is , well, hellish.
Thank you. xoA