Keeping a diary is a favorite pastime of mine. As a pre-teen, I wrote my most secret of secrets in a journal with a lock. I kept the key hidden in my jewelry box; but that didn’t matter once my brother figured out how to pick the lock.
One reason I feel motivated to keep my secrets to myself is shame.
For the first part of my baby’s life, I hid my birthmother identity. Instinct directed me to bury such a shameful secret, while society said, “Don’t air your dirty laundry in public.” As if my child is “dirty.”
Brené Brown, an author, shame researcher and professor at the University of Houston, is an advocate of “speaking your shame.” Through countless interviews and studies, her research points to this tool as a way to practice what she deems “shame resilience,” the ability to recognize and move through shame in a way that allows us to be true to ourselves.
In her first book, “I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t),” Brown shares her conclusions on speaking shame after interviewing dozens of women.
Speaking shame allows us to translate our experiences so we can learn from them — which are the goals of shame resilience. We can’t stop shame from happening, but we can learn to recognize it early enough to move through it constructively, rather than destructively.”
Throughout her writing, Brown emphasizes that shame thrives off of secrecy. By speaking shame — putting words to the inward pain and suffering we long to bury away — we strip it of its power. Like bacteria in a Petri dish, shame multiplies in darkness.
When I own my story and declare myself a birthmother, I feel my shame dissipate. If (and when) that shame starts to creep back in, I know I need to speak up about how I’m feeling, rather than cower in denial.
Have you ever tried to speak your shame? What was that experience like for you? Share your thoughts in the comment box below.
I believe this post is true for all people, not just birth moms. As the saying goes, “the truth will set you free.” Plus as Christians we should be able to confess our short comings to one another to strengthen ourself. Great post Emily
I find it interesting that birth mothers would feel shame when what they have done is given new life a chance. As a barren woman with an adopted daughter, I have the utmost respect and love for birth mothers. My daughter knows and is in contact with hers. Thanks for sharing this poignant post.
Powerful, truthful words. It is so hard to be honest and admit our faults and shortcomings. It seems easier to hide and ignore them when in reality, they are festering. I am so, so thankful for your brave honesty and good example of putting your inward pain and suffering into words. May we all be so brave and together bear one another’s burdens without judgment.
I hope you add this book to your resources page. 🙂
Another great, thoughtful, thought-provoking post of truth, Emily. I love Brene Brown and the work she has done and is doing. Because of her, many people are able to allow themselves to be vulnerable and speak their shame.
I was attending the San Miguel Writers’ Conference in Mexico a few years back and was lucky enough to hear a panel of women who had their stories published in the anthology, “Dancing at the Shame Prom.” It was wonderful to hear their stories and how writing it helped them.
Thank you. xoA
I am an advocate for speaking your shame. It is a reason that I blog and am so open about things in my life. I spent many years letting shame hide the real me from the world. Great post.