Models Portrayed.
“When are you going to get over it?”
These hurtful words are spoken to many birthmothers, who I’ve heard lamenting the questioner’s lack of empathy and compassion.
The one who asks the question may be well-intentioned, trying to motivate the birthmother to move through her grief and depression after placement. (Or they are just being mean; let’s assume the best, in this case.) But instead, the question implies impatience, ignorance, and an underestimation of the gravity of placing a child.
I don’t think I will ever “get over” Dominic’s adoption. His absence will continue to haunt me. However, I am “moving on” in the sense that I am not bogged down in my grief. The first days were hard — to put it lightly. Now, I’ve spent almost a year moving through my grief, so I’m able to see a future in which I’m OK.
I like what King Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, which is a passage The Byrds quote in their 1962 song, “Turn, Turn, Turn.”
To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
And a time to die…
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance…” [excerpted]
Grief is important and should not be minimized. Even though it is almost a year after my placement, I am still grieving. I think I will carry my grief with me for the rest of my life. But I know I cannot let my grief stop me from living life. Not to “get over it,” but to move through it so I can live.
Nicole, a birthmother whose words I previously shared in posts on fear, regret and denial, shared a great perspective on how she views her grief.
“After I placed my daughter, I sat at home and refused to do anything,” Nicole said. “I felt so guilty about placing her that I literally slept and did nothing with my life.
“After a few months, I started realizing that yes, this pain and guilt were real and I had to deal with it and not let my placement go to waste for my own life. The guilt was there, but why do nothing with my life? Why did I place her if I was just going to sit at home and not accomplish something? I didn’t want to let the hardest decision I’ve ever faced be in vain by allowing my guilt to stop me from being someone. I needed to get out and work on myself and really start to understand that it was OK to live again. I didn’t go out and become a world famous doctor but I went out and just started my life.
“The decision to place is one of the most difficult I’ve ever had and probably will have in my life. Birth parents just need to realize that placing shouldn’t make you feel guilty and having a life after placement is OK. Your decision is for the both of you, child and parent. Birth parents have made an ultimately selfless decision and they deserve to have a life and not let that go in vain.
“Therapy and honesty about how [I was] feeling helped me learn I was not a bad person. I deserved the best life possible, like my child. Talking about everything and being open with a professional got me through the guilt so I could live again and not let the placement be in vain.”
I asked Nicole what advice she would give to a pregnant woman who is considering adoption. I think what she said also rings true for those of us on the other side of placement. She said:
“My advice would be that you are not a terrible person for considering adoption. You are a strong woman for being able to say, hey, I can’t parent to the best of my ability and I want more for my child. It’s going to be awful and you are going to feel more pain than I can explain, but it will get better. Not immediately and not suddenly, but it will become easier. Forgive yourself for not being able to parent. Remember after you place to not let your decision go in vain….[D]on’t let the guilt for placing hinder your life.”
