Backtracking Through Hatred to Find Peace

The last two years of my life have evoked the strongest emotions I’ve ever experienced. Some of these emotions are not pretty: jealousy, envy, anger, even hate. Lately I have felt a lot of anger, and sometimes I let it turn into hate.

My hatred can become so strong that it eclipses any of my other emotions. I can feel it in so many different directions.

Hatred toward myself.

Hatred toward the birthfather.

Hatred of the way my life has gone.

Hatred toward those who belittle or ignore my feelings about Dominic’s adoption.

Hatred toward the people who say my child is “better off without me.”

Hatred toward every parent who has ever posted a picture of their baby on Facebook.

Hatred of all the happy couples who did things “right” and have their own little family.

As Yoda says, “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

I am definitely suffering. I live in anguish over the loss of my child. While he is not wholly lost to me, because I get to visit him often and I am welcome in his life, he is still missing. The feeling that overcame my body when I watched Robby and Marie drive away with my one-day-old baby can best be described as a feeling of utter loss.

Would I suffer less if I hated less? If I backtrack through Yoda’s statement, I find myself looking for ways to be less angry and less fearful. My anger is a protective measure against my fear. Fear stems from inner conflicts and broods inside my mind. Anger, on the other hand, can be released onto others, allowing the fear to escape under a different guise.

I once knew someone who protected himself through anger and threats. He was afraid of betrayal, so his defense was to attack first. I called him “the blowfish,” because he puffed up and poked out his spikes at the first sign of emotional danger.

I think my anger and hatred protect me in the moments when I feel most vulnerable. When I can’t take the pain anymore, I turn my feelings outward. This provides me some relief, while everyone around me heads for the hills.

My fear leaves me feeling like easy prey. When I am afraid, I lose my sense of security. I question myself and the decisions I’ve made. I wonder whether I will ever be one of those parents who can post pictures of their child on Facebook. I wonder whether I will have a little family. I wonder if I will ever fully forgive and accept myself and the way my life has gone. This is an uncomfortable place to be.

But discomfort demands resolution. Balance cannot be achieved when one side of my emotional scale is weighted more heavily.

I like to think of these two ends of the scale in terms of heat. My strongest emotions are red hot, while my peaceful self is cold. When these two sides of me come into contact with each other, an exchange occurs. Thermodynamics teaches that eventually, the temperatures of the two will reach an equilibrium. The seemingly opposing sides will reconcile, if they are confronted by one another.

To confront hatred is to find its roots, which lie in my fears. My fear, then, can be confronted by reason. Although I know it is OK to be afraid, I also know that I have no control over others, my past or my future. I can only learn to live in this moment without fear and with the intention of finding peace.

Because I am afraid of where I am, sometimes I turn to hatred. But I realize that the best path forward is to rewind my hatred to fear and to overcome it with peace.

 

What do you think — does fear lie at the root of hate? Has a difficult situation ever caused you to hate? Were you able to move through it, and if so, how? Share your thoughts in the comment box below. Please read our comment policy here.