“Do you believe Dominic is here for a reason?” I blinked at my counselor. It was a yes-or-no question, but the answer seemed more complicated than what those small words could express. No? Yes? I mean, sometimes? “I don’t know,” I said after an awkward silence. She let the topic drop. The day she asked […]
pregnant
What To Do When Everything Feels Tainted
Grief is a strange monster. He throws a fit when ignored for too long, then grabs me by the throat when I look him in the eye. He morphs and wears disguises, vying for my attention, craving my consumption. Sometimes I can keep him confined to the closet, but eventually, I must deal with him. […]
Why I Kept His Pictures Out of Sight
Trying to control grief is like trying to choke a fish: it’s slippery so tightening my grip only lets it get away, and the fish doesn’t breathe air anyway, so why am I choking it? The harder I try to control my grief, the more firmly it lets me know who’s master. “You will feel […]
Why I Don’t Congratulate Pregnant Women
“So I heard you had the baby,” a friend said to me less than a month after Dominic was born. I looked at him, hoping my wince was imperceptible. “Yes.” “Congratulations,” he said with sincerity. “Thanks,” I mumbled, turning away to hide my flushed face. What was he congratulating me for, I wondered. Clearly I […]
How I Invalidated Adoption Consequences
Do you hear it? That voice, the one in your head. It starts small, with just a whisper, but straining to hear the words only encourages the voice to grow into a loud, mean hiss. My little voice cycles through various accusations of incompetence, selfishness, fault, stupidity — whatever the insecurity of the day. When […]