So much of life as a birthmother is a Catch-22. I was reminded of this at my last visit, when I took Dominic to the largest playground near his house. He clambered around on the playground equipment, looking so proud as he descended the slide by himself. Children of all ages swarmed the equipment, while […]
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How I’m Raising an Invisible Child
In my childhood, three imaginary friends kept me company. Small in stature, Golly, Hammer and Guys ate dinner, played tea parties and ran outside with me. I always became upset when one of my parents accidentally sat on them and squished them. Golly, Hammer and Guys were imaginary. Even though I outgrew them, sometimes I […]
What to Remember in the Shame of Everyday Life
Mothers often feel a lot of shame. Whether it’s the voices of friends, family, society, or themselves, mothers constantly hear about how they should parent, how they should look, how their kids should behave and perform, what they should feed their family, etc. I have a lot of compassion for mothers. I know what it’s […]
11 Best Quotes for Healing Birthmothers
The decision to place a child for adoption is made in 9 months or less, but the consequences last a lifetime. I am still at the tip of the iceberg in my adoption journey, with Dominic being only 14 months old. But in this short time, I’ve met so many inspiring women, families, and adoption […]
Why I Don’t Congratulate Pregnant Women
“So I heard you had the baby,” a friend said to me less than a month after Dominic was born. I looked at him, hoping my wince was imperceptible. “Yes.” “Congratulations,” he said with sincerity. “Thanks,” I mumbled, turning away to hide my flushed face. What was he congratulating me for, I wondered. Clearly I […]
How Birthmothers Can Find Peace — Part One
Author’s note: This is the first in a two-part series on finding peace. The conclusion will be published next week. Two weeks ago, a large wildfire raged about 60 miles north of where I live. The fire began on the outskirts of the little town of Lake Isabella and spread quickly. Officials ordered evacuations […]
Five Things I Wish I’d Known When I Chose Adoption
Everyone needs to make big decisions at some point, like what to do after high school, when and who to marry, where to live, and so on. One of my most significant decisions was whether to choose adoption for Dominic. As with any choice, unknowns swarmed my decision-making vision. Research quickly changed my view of […]
Being a Birthmother Again and Forever
Common human experiences create communities, cultures, friends, families and other groups of people. A camaraderie forms between those who go together through things like high school graduation, playing on a sports team, attending church, an unexpected death or tragedy, or another bond-forming event or activity. Parenthood is one of the most universal denominators among adults. […]
Why I Won’t Let Society Dictate my Identity
This year was my first Mother’s Day as a birthmother. As the holiday neared, I found myself re-evaluating my identity as a birthmother. Dominic’s first birthday is also this month, which is causing me to brood a bit on the past year’s events. In my first blog post, I was optimistic about my birthmother identity, […]
Why Openness is not a Universal Solution
Communication is the glue of relationships. It trumps proximity, commonality, and even time, in keeping people together. Without effective communication, a relationship cannot be established or move forward. In open adoption relationships, communication between the adoptive family and the birth family is what keeps the adoption open. The families are tied by the child, but […]