Life is overwhelming. Even without birthmotherhood attached, the journey is tough, demanding and taxing. For a few months now, I’ve been in a rut. Dominic’s birthday in May really set me off track and I’ve struggled to get back on my path. As discussed in last week’s post, mindfulness is often an effective tool when grieving, […]
grief
What to Practice When Grief Takes Over
Advice for dealing with grief is everywhere. The Internet abounds with it, friends and family are quick to offer it, and best-selling books are full of it. As a friend recently reminded me, though, each person’s grief journey is unique. Advice should be replaced with compassion. Grief charts its own course, but those whom it […]
Do You Rob Yourself of the Good Days?
Guilt is crazy in two ways: First, Guilt uses peer pressure to ask why you’re still grieving so hard after “X” amount of time. Second, Guilt shows up on your doorstep when you’re having a good day because you neglected to mourn. There’s no winning. Usually, my days are long stretches of empty hours spent […]
How a Mathematic Theory Gives My Placement Purpose
“Do you believe Dominic is here for a reason?” I blinked at my counselor. It was a yes-or-no question, but the answer seemed more complicated than what those small words could express. No? Yes? I mean, sometimes? “I don’t know,” I said after an awkward silence. She let the topic drop. The day she asked […]
How I’m Raising an Invisible Child
In my childhood, three imaginary friends kept me company. Small in stature, Golly, Hammer and Guys ate dinner, played tea parties and ran outside with me. I always became upset when one of my parents accidentally sat on them and squished them. Golly, Hammer and Guys were imaginary. Even though I outgrew them, sometimes I […]
What to Remember in the Shame of Everyday Life
Mothers often feel a lot of shame. Whether it’s the voices of friends, family, society, or themselves, mothers constantly hear about how they should parent, how they should look, how their kids should behave and perform, what they should feed their family, etc. I have a lot of compassion for mothers. I know what it’s […]
Why You Should Trust Your Mind to Help You Heal
Podcasts are great road trip companions, especially when driving back from visiting my baby. They keep my mind off the growing physical distance between me and him. On our way back from our most recent visit, Neil and I listened to NPR’s podcast “Hidden Brain,” hosted by social science correspondent Shankar Vedantam. In episode 42, […]
What To Do When Everything Feels Tainted
Grief is a strange monster. He throws a fit when ignored for too long, then grabs me by the throat when I look him in the eye. He morphs and wears disguises, vying for my attention, craving my consumption. Sometimes I can keep him confined to the closet, but eventually, I must deal with him. […]
11 Best Quotes for Healing Birthmothers
The decision to place a child for adoption is made in 9 months or less, but the consequences last a lifetime. I am still at the tip of the iceberg in my adoption journey, with Dominic being only 14 months old. But in this short time, I’ve met so many inspiring women, families, and adoption […]
Why I Kept His Pictures Out of Sight
Trying to control grief is like trying to choke a fish: it’s slippery so tightening my grip only lets it get away, and the fish doesn’t breathe air anyway, so why am I choking it? The harder I try to control my grief, the more firmly it lets me know who’s master. “You will feel […]