Recently, I read a blog post by one of my favorite authors, Donald Miller. The title caught my eye because it is a question I’ve often asked myself: “Are you playing the victim to manipulate others?” Miller argues that everyone has been a victim at least once in their lives, and wrote, “We were either […]
birthfather
Why I Won’t Let Society Dictate my Identity
This year was my first Mother’s Day as a birthmother. As the holiday neared, I found myself re-evaluating my identity as a birthmother. Dominic’s first birthday is also this month, which is causing me to brood a bit on the past year’s events. In my first blog post, I was optimistic about my birthmother identity, […]
Seeking Closure from an Ambiguous Loss
No doubts exist in my mind about whether I lost a child. I did. In most contexts, “losing someone” implies a death. But some scenarios, including mine as a birthmother, are much more complicated. With a Ph.D. in child development and family studies, Pauline Boss is an educator, researcher and author of the theory of […]
Backtracking Through Hatred to Find Peace
The last two years of my life have evoked the strongest emotions I’ve ever experienced. Some of these emotions are not pretty: jealousy, envy, anger, even hate. Lately I have felt a lot of anger, and sometimes I let it turn into hate. My hatred can become so strong that it eclipses any of my other […]
Dealing with Denial: Three Birthmothers Speak Out
Perhaps the most well-known philosophy on grief is the Kübler-Ross model. Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross postulated in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying” that grievers progress through five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Later in life, she acknowledged these stages are not universal nor does everyone move through them in the same order. […]
What Birthmothers and Empty Nesters Have in Common
When a mother gives birth, she empties herself of her child. The baby begins a new life outside of the mother’s body, but still close to her, still relying on her for food and nurture. The mother’s body is empty, but her arms are full. In adoption, the woman who carries the child will not […]
Thoughts on Regret
“Hindsight is 20/20.” The saying has never seemed more true than when I think back on my adoption decision. Acknowledging that I could not tell the future was the driving force behind choosing to give Dominic to another family. A year ago, I did not know how my marriage might heal from the events of […]
To Be Better, Stop Being Bad
When writing, I sometimes use clichés because I’m lazy. I opt to be un-creative. Yet I want to be a better writer, one who doesn’t use clichés. Pondering this dilemma, I realized the only way for me to truly get better was to quit being bad — to quit giving myself a free pass to […]
An Alternative to the ‘Fight or Flight’ Response
Picture yourself walking through the woods. The tree leaves dance in the sunshine, the moss is a thick carpet under your feet, the air feels fresh and clean. Out of the corner of your eye, you notice something move. Then it stands up. Whirling around, you spot a giant black bear, less than a hundred […]