Springtime in Southern California comes early. In our little mountain town, buds formed on the trees in February while daffodils pushed through the soil and have recently bloomed. Despite a few frosts and even snowfalls since the signs of spring arrived, the hills remain green and some neighbors have re-begun watering their lawns in anticipation […]
birthmother
Thoughts on Regret
“Hindsight is 20/20.” The saying has never seemed more true than when I think back on my adoption decision. Acknowledging that I could not tell the future was the driving force behind choosing to give Dominic to another family. A year ago, I did not know how my marriage might heal from the events of […]
Tunnel Vision
Writing this blog requires a lot of introspection. Self-evaluation of my thoughts, feelings and actions is constant. I want to put out insightful material, and that requires me to dig deeply to identify my core issues as a birthmother. I am beginning to wonder, though, whether I have recently become too honed-in on myself. Am […]
Why Fences Need Gates
My backyard is enclosed by a privacy fence. Since we have two mutts who like their space, the fence has proved to be convenient. Having the fence so tall also gives me an extra measure of mental ease, since none of my next-door neighbors can see into my back windows. But when Neil and I […]
Why I Struggle with My Motherhood
“Am I a mother?” The answer might seem apparent at first. But I have asked this question many times, and I’ve heard other birthmoms ask, too. The website “Your Dictionary” offers this definition of motherhood: “Motherhood is the state or experience of having and raising a child.” I think the dictionary definition would be more accurate […]
Four Lessons from my First Birthmother Retreat
Thanks to a local non-profit, I spent a November weekend with 15 other birthmothers near Napa. The organization facilitates these retreats multiple times a year, allowing birthmothers to connect with each other and share their innermost feelings in a safe and therapeutic environment, free of charge. Being my first retreat, I wasn’t sure what to […]
Questioning the Future: Common Fears of Birthmothers
Putting my pen to the paper in front of me, I signed my name on the dotted line. I was not paying a restaurant bill, accepting a package, or buying a car. No, on the day after my baby was born, I was signing his care over to another family. In only a few days, […]
How I Invalidated Adoption Consequences
Do you hear it? That voice, the one in your head. It starts small, with just a whisper, but straining to hear the words only encourages the voice to grow into a loud, mean hiss. My little voice cycles through various accusations of incompetence, selfishness, fault, stupidity — whatever the insecurity of the day. When […]
To Be Better, Stop Being Bad
When writing, I sometimes use clichés because I’m lazy. I opt to be un-creative. Yet I want to be a better writer, one who doesn’t use clichés. Pondering this dilemma, I realized the only way for me to truly get better was to quit being bad — to quit giving myself a free pass to […]
Why You are the Most Important Person in the World
Before takeoff, airline flight attendants direct passengers to put on their own oxygen mask before helping anyone else in the case of an emergency. My motherly instincts tell me to put children before myself; I would rather suffocate than have a child next to me run out of air. Logic tells me, though, that if […]