Dominic held his grandfather’s hand as he navigated the grass in his backyard. His little eyes focused on the ground in front of him and his moving feet, which were donned with puppy face shoes. His grandfather was ready to steady him if he stumbled. I watched from the other side of the lush lawn, […]
birthmother
Three Things to Learn from the Practice of Zen
Zen Buddhism emphasizes meditation, through which followers believe enlightenment can be attained. According to one website, the religion “rejects the study of scriptures, religious rites, devotional practices, and good works in favor of meditation leading to a sudden breakthrough of insight and awareness of ultimate reality.” I am not a follower of Zen Buddhism, but […]
Why Openness is not a Universal Solution
Communication is the glue of relationships. It trumps proximity, commonality, and even time, in keeping people together. Without effective communication, a relationship cannot be established or move forward. In open adoption relationships, communication between the adoptive family and the birth family is what keeps the adoption open. The families are tied by the child, but […]
Backtracking Through Hatred to Find Peace
The last two years of my life have evoked the strongest emotions I’ve ever experienced. Some of these emotions are not pretty: jealousy, envy, anger, even hate. Lately I have felt a lot of anger, and sometimes I let it turn into hate. My hatred can become so strong that it eclipses any of my other […]
Why Authenticity is Worth the Risk
When I am presented with a difficult question, my answer choices generally boil down to lying or telling truth, though perhaps only a version of it. The most difficult question I face is, “Do you have children?” This query forces me to consider whether I will identify as a birthmother. In this situation, not only […]
How to Conquer Adoption-Related Xenophobia
When we perceive a threat, our natural reaction is to defend ourselves with our fight, flight or freeze response system. Sometimes a perceived threat is not a true threat. Xenophobia is defined as “an unreasonable fear or hatred of…that which is foreign or strange.” Foreign ideas or differing lifestyles may cause us to feel defensive. But […]
Why I Hoard Keepsakes Since Becoming a Birthmother
A popular — and therefore, commercialized — activity for vacationers is to buy souvenirs. Tourists hunt for trophies from their favorite destinations to lug home for their left-behind family, friends or dog. Sometimes these mementos are displayed in the traveler’s own home, because he or she wants to remember the getaway through this token. Usually […]
When His Preference Is Not Me
A few weeks ago, I had a short visit with Dominic and his parents while I was in town for another engagement. I stopped in on my way home, knowing the visit would last only a couple of hours. I was so thankful for the opportunity to see him, even for a little while, instead […]
Dealing with Denial: Three Birthmothers Speak Out
Perhaps the most well-known philosophy on grief is the Kübler-Ross model. Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross postulated in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying” that grievers progress through five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Later in life, she acknowledged these stages are not universal nor does everyone move through them in the same order. […]
What Birthmothers and Empty Nesters Have in Common
When a mother gives birth, she empties herself of her child. The baby begins a new life outside of the mother’s body, but still close to her, still relying on her for food and nurture. The mother’s body is empty, but her arms are full. In adoption, the woman who carries the child will not […]